Just the Facts, Ma'am

1. I am told that, as a very young child, my parents used to spread a blanket out on the floor. I would proceed to jump on and off the blanket repeatedly, demanding that I receive the attention and applause of everyone in the room.
2. When I am bored or thinking or nervous, I rub my fingernails over my upper lip.
3. I think I have a toenail infection. It was bruised for the longest time, and now it's just thick and slightly discolored and nasty.
4. I don't think I'm capable of pulling off a truly put together look.
5. When I was 9 or 10 or so, I used to talk about the characters in The Babysitters Club books as though they were my real friends.
6. I didn't learn to light a lighter until the night I graduated from high school.
7. In my youth, I was conviced that people refused to take me seriously because I was fat. As I've aged, I've realized that people don't take me seriously because I am goofy and somewhat aloof.
8. I have not purchased a new bathing suit since the summer before 12th grade.
9. I am too lazy to pluck my own eyebrows. It is painfully obvious.
10. I am somewhat phone phobic.
11. I've never been able to paint my nails because I go nuts the instant the polish chips.
12. Worms gross me out to such an extent that, while walking on damp and rainy days, my stomach starts to roll.
13. I recently lost 4 pairs of work pants, a lab coat, and my favorite sweatshirt in a tragic accident involving a washing machine and a brand new gel pen. It was a dark day. As I am poor, I am taking donations of khaki pants sized anywhere from, I don't know, 6 - 12. I have belts! And little shame!
14. Cottage cheese freaks me out. It's just so wrong.
15. I am both impulsive and a stickler for routine. Such is the dichotomy of my existence, I guess.
16. I am a terrible liar. I am a slightly more talented truth omitter.
17. Despite the (unfortunate) fact that I have been smoking for over 3 years, I apparently strike others as awkward while doing it. Occasionally, this fact is brought to my attention by well-meaning strangers.
18. I was voted clumsiest in my graduating class in high school. At least I wasn't selected as "Most Likely to End up on the Jerry Springer Show."
19. My friends and I got our belly buttons pierced merely because there was a one-day sale at the local tattoo parlor, and it only cost $20.00. Mine swiftly became infected, requiring a $50.00 antibiotic.
20. I purchased my first padded bra ever a few months ago. Every time I wear it, I am way too astonished and entertained for my own good.
21. After I have a couple of drinks, I tend to whine at my sister about how she got a better nose than I did.
22. I bought a new dress for Alicia's wedding. I'm not sure if it's really cute or really borderline 80s prom dress. It has a drop waist and it kind of flares out at the hips. And it is a bright emerald green . . . which strikes me as a little bit too close to turquoise. It is also a bit roomy. I think I will keep it, though. If anyone will appreciate an accidential homage to the 80s, it's Alicia.
23. I am currently (finally) reading Slaughterhouse-Five. (And I call myself a Vonnegut fan.) I told one of the doctors at my office that I bet he chose to become an optometrist because he read this book in his youth and decided that opotometrists are cool and capable of time travel. He's into sci-fi stuff, so I figured it was a well-supported hypothesis. Too bad he claims he's never read it. Best quotation thus far: "Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops."
24. My first of many career aspirations developed at age 3. I wanted to be a pizza maker.
25. At age 24, I can't seem to come up with any realistic career aspirations. I always vaguely speak about either teaching or finding something involving writing or publishing. And I will hopefully get there eventually. I wish I had the capabilities to get my masters this year. At the rate I'm going, it's going to be a while.
26. As Katharine McPhee from American Idol is apparently a recovering bulimic, I am experiencing slight twinges of guilt for my little outburst on the night in which she stayed even though she was sucky and Elliott went home. I kind of ran around the house with the eloquence of a seven year old, calling her "Katty McFatty" and "Fatty McPhee," etc. and ranting about her lack of talent and grace for about an hour. I don't know why. Elliott love drove me temporarily batty, I guess. It's all good now, though. I really hope to be a little less invested in reality television characters from this point on.
27. I think I would have greatly benefited from reading Everyone Poops as a child.
28. I like my boys scrawny.
29. I cannot snap my fingers.
30. I think the cursive "G" is hideous.
31. When I was in elementary school, I believed that I should receive praise and awards for perfect handwriting. I imagined that trophies were in my future. Not so much.
32. When I was in high school, I developed an extreme aversion to sloppy looking notes. I became quite talented at rewriting everything while listening to lectures and continuing to take notes on the marred page until I caught myself up. It was a process.
33. Thinking about flying kites makes me nauseous.
34. I worry that my life will be hindered by my limited driving abilities and navigational skills.
35. I don't want to become a lonely, crazy cat lady.