A Plea to the Higher Power(s) That Preside(s) Over the PowerBall
Dear Friend(s),
Please let me win. I'm nice! I know that in the grand scheme of things, being nice doesn't get one especially far, but don't you think it should?
I know I don't have the greatest story ever. I'm not completely destitute (yet.) I haven't recently filed for bankruptcy. I haven't quite resorted to selling my kidney on the black market in order to prevent myself from starving to death. I haven't even donated my plasma for cash. (Though I have called to inquire about it.) Sure, I don't have to support four babies under the age of five spawned from three different deadbeats. I don't reside a van down by the river. I am, however, legitmately poor. I have oodles of debt. So much debt, that I doubt anyone would even consider marrying me until I can reduce the size of it by 75%. If I'm lucky, I might make it there by my fiftieth birthday bash, at this rate. And of course, my Over The Hill party will be even more depressing than the norm because all of my friends will arrive hand-in-hand with their doting, salt and pepper headed husbands. Their skin will be tastefully bronzed following recent family excursions to warm and exotic locales and their fingers will display the flashy diamonds that scream of twenty years of love and commitment and a healthy 401K. I will attempt to drench my discontent in an amassment of Red Bull and well vodka while they slowly savor their wine with pity in their eyes. I will try to make a thank you speech, but will surely crumble into a sobbing mess before I make it to the halfway point. My friends will kindly, but quietly dart out the door, and I will conclude the evening by telling an unsuspecting cab driver my life story on the long trip home, between hiccups and sniffles. The following morning, I will awaken with much regret, insufferable embarrassment, and a killer headache. I will pack up my cats, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and take them to their biweekly playdate with my mother's expanding brood. She will tell me that I look like hell and bemoan the fact that I never got married or had babies for her to play with. I will sigh in unspoken agreement.
So, as you can see, it is extremely important that I begin to diminish the debt that hangs over me like the little raincloud that is continually perched squarely above the bouncing Zoloft commercial creature prior to his ingestion of the happy pills. I want kids, not cats. (And, if I win, I promise to show restraint in my choices of name. No wacky Shakespearian creations or anything else that will guarantee their statuses as social outcasts.) I understand that I got myself into this situation, though I can guarantee that at least 90% of the money I currently owe is due to school or medical expenses. I was a dumb 18 year old kid who fell in love with a college she couldn't realistically afford and chose a less than practical major. It happens. I'm not looking for the easy way out. I like to work. I like feeling like a productive member of society. I just don't seem to have the correct skills set or degree or appearance or experience to secure a high enough paying position. I'm just looking for a jumpstart. I don't mind splitting the winnings with some other lucky people. I don't even need to be set for life.
I'm nice, remember? So, of course, I will give away much of what I win. My family members and friends will be well taken care of. They're all pretty nice, too. I will start a charity and donate to existing ones. I will provide funding to people in situations similar to mine. (I'm somewhat of an empathetic narcissist.) I will let the boy that I met on my first night here who is apparently a 24 year old Penn State student/hobokid that lives out of his car reside in my room for free. Or, at least, I would if my roommates wouldn't kill me for doing so. I will leave humongous tips for excellent service. I will buy lunch for homeless people. There is a lot one can do with a copious amount of cash that doesn't involve becoming a materialistic bitch. I'm fairly certain that the only way having money will change me is that it will greatly decrease the massive amount of debt-related anxiety that floods my brain on a daily basis. See, the resulting story could shape up to be rather interesting and heartfelt.
Life is short. I want to travel. I want to experience other cultures. I need book fodder! (And probably some writing classes.) I want to visit my friends and pick up the tab for once. I would like to drive a car that is more reliable and less audible. I would love to go back to school and obtain a doctorate. I need to go to the dentist. My mouth hurts! I don't want to have to work while my favorite television shows air. Or, at the very least, I'd like to be able to TiVo them and watch them at my leisure. It'd be great to have the opportunity to buy all of the hardcovers that I'm interested in reading off the shelf. It'd be fantastic to know that my family is financially all set. Having some money and little debt will release me from the limbolike existence that has entrapped me for years and threatens to lurk around for much, much longer.
Come on. Help a girl out. Pick me!
Fondly,
Sara
Please let me win. I'm nice! I know that in the grand scheme of things, being nice doesn't get one especially far, but don't you think it should?
I know I don't have the greatest story ever. I'm not completely destitute (yet.) I haven't recently filed for bankruptcy. I haven't quite resorted to selling my kidney on the black market in order to prevent myself from starving to death. I haven't even donated my plasma for cash. (Though I have called to inquire about it.) Sure, I don't have to support four babies under the age of five spawned from three different deadbeats. I don't reside a van down by the river. I am, however, legitmately poor. I have oodles of debt. So much debt, that I doubt anyone would even consider marrying me until I can reduce the size of it by 75%. If I'm lucky, I might make it there by my fiftieth birthday bash, at this rate. And of course, my Over The Hill party will be even more depressing than the norm because all of my friends will arrive hand-in-hand with their doting, salt and pepper headed husbands. Their skin will be tastefully bronzed following recent family excursions to warm and exotic locales and their fingers will display the flashy diamonds that scream of twenty years of love and commitment and a healthy 401K. I will attempt to drench my discontent in an amassment of Red Bull and well vodka while they slowly savor their wine with pity in their eyes. I will try to make a thank you speech, but will surely crumble into a sobbing mess before I make it to the halfway point. My friends will kindly, but quietly dart out the door, and I will conclude the evening by telling an unsuspecting cab driver my life story on the long trip home, between hiccups and sniffles. The following morning, I will awaken with much regret, insufferable embarrassment, and a killer headache. I will pack up my cats, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and take them to their biweekly playdate with my mother's expanding brood. She will tell me that I look like hell and bemoan the fact that I never got married or had babies for her to play with. I will sigh in unspoken agreement.
So, as you can see, it is extremely important that I begin to diminish the debt that hangs over me like the little raincloud that is continually perched squarely above the bouncing Zoloft commercial creature prior to his ingestion of the happy pills. I want kids, not cats. (And, if I win, I promise to show restraint in my choices of name. No wacky Shakespearian creations or anything else that will guarantee their statuses as social outcasts.) I understand that I got myself into this situation, though I can guarantee that at least 90% of the money I currently owe is due to school or medical expenses. I was a dumb 18 year old kid who fell in love with a college she couldn't realistically afford and chose a less than practical major. It happens. I'm not looking for the easy way out. I like to work. I like feeling like a productive member of society. I just don't seem to have the correct skills set or degree or appearance or experience to secure a high enough paying position. I'm just looking for a jumpstart. I don't mind splitting the winnings with some other lucky people. I don't even need to be set for life.
I'm nice, remember? So, of course, I will give away much of what I win. My family members and friends will be well taken care of. They're all pretty nice, too. I will start a charity and donate to existing ones. I will provide funding to people in situations similar to mine. (I'm somewhat of an empathetic narcissist.) I will let the boy that I met on my first night here who is apparently a 24 year old Penn State student/hobokid that lives out of his car reside in my room for free. Or, at least, I would if my roommates wouldn't kill me for doing so. I will leave humongous tips for excellent service. I will buy lunch for homeless people. There is a lot one can do with a copious amount of cash that doesn't involve becoming a materialistic bitch. I'm fairly certain that the only way having money will change me is that it will greatly decrease the massive amount of debt-related anxiety that floods my brain on a daily basis. See, the resulting story could shape up to be rather interesting and heartfelt.
Life is short. I want to travel. I want to experience other cultures. I need book fodder! (And probably some writing classes.) I want to visit my friends and pick up the tab for once. I would like to drive a car that is more reliable and less audible. I would love to go back to school and obtain a doctorate. I need to go to the dentist. My mouth hurts! I don't want to have to work while my favorite television shows air. Or, at the very least, I'd like to be able to TiVo them and watch them at my leisure. It'd be great to have the opportunity to buy all of the hardcovers that I'm interested in reading off the shelf. It'd be fantastic to know that my family is financially all set. Having some money and little debt will release me from the limbolike existence that has entrapped me for years and threatens to lurk around for much, much longer.
Come on. Help a girl out. Pick me!
Fondly,
Sara
8 comments:
This member of the lottery illuminati votes yes. Of course, the other 143 members have to be convinced.
And, of course, the odds of winning are the same as the odds of that coin coming up heads ever time--which, if it occured, would mean that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were dead.
Blame Tom Stoppard.
Really, though, it seems rare that deserving people win the lottery. I mean, they sometimes seem deserving at first, but go back a year or so after the lottery and see what they've done with the money--usually not pleasant.
Your better hope is to take in a bunch of blind, terminally-ill orphans--maybe six would suffice. Then be a regular fixture at the food band and goodwill store, making sure you say loudly "yeah, I hope this day-old bread is enough to feed all them blind, terminally-ill orphans I got at home. I sure wish somebody like them people at that Extreme Makeover Home Edition would come and help us before we all freeze to death 'cause I can't pay the 'lectric bill"
(It helps to maybe blacken out a few teeth.)
Be tasteful, though--try to make it through at least three months with the orphans before you start looking for the big score. (Your chances are best if one dies before the show "surprises" you.)
Also, I think that Ty Pennington guy is probably single and if you clean the black of the teeth, it might be an even better payday.
http://abc.go.com/primetime/xtremehome/casting.html
Good luck!
i promise at your 50th birthday bash i won't leave until the party's over. then i will be in the cab with you to make sure you don't burn yourself with your cigarette after all that red bull and vodka. i'll also prematurely wear the horse skirt just in support of you.
unless you do win the lottery, and then i want pony.
Yeah those damn private school, what were we thinking?!?!?!?!?! Oh well it was good though and I'll keep fighting off citi bank just like you for as long as I can.
BUT if you win, forget about the dept first thing you need to do is come to Japan and visit me because I'm SO homesick!!!
Love ya,
Terry
J.: You're hilarious. Thanks for the advice. Have you ever watched the Extreme Makeover show? Ty Pennington is cute enough, but he has an obnoxious megaphone permanently attached to his lips. That might get old if he lacks the ability to separate work from leisure. He's also so hyperactive that I'd have to mash up one of my blind kid's Ritalin and sneak it into his beer. On the flip side, he is really handy and would probably be able to get me massive discounts from Sears. Hmm . . .
Maggie: Thanks. You're so rational sometimes.
Allison: Aww . . . you're a good buddy. You will totally get your pony if I ever hit the big jackpot.
Terry: We were dumb when we were young. At least bill collecters can't find you all that easily in Japan. I should have moved out there with you!
Hey Sara,
I know the lottery was the main theme of this, but heres another suggestion... McDonalds Monoply just started up again this month. See this way you dont just blow money on lottery tickets and have nothing to show for it, no not at all. With McDondalds you get a whole meal PLUS the chance to win up to 5 MILLION dollars. So you beat the starvation and could than save thousands of others from starving to if you win the big one.
You buddy
Nick
P.S. if this plan does succeed, I am charging a 15% winnings commission ;)
You moved up to #2 on my favorites, blogs sub catagory(i'm not weird), but its going to take more frequent updates to move up to the #1 spot
Janet
Revising my comment.
This comment has nothing to do with this post...
Tag you're it! Haha. Phone tag is awesome. And we are so good at it. So now I thought we'd play blog-tag. =) So, here's how it goes. I write about a topic on my blog then I tag you and you have to write an entry on it in your blog. Then you have to tag someone new and give them the same topic. You then give them the link to your post, as well as my post. This waywe are creating a list of posts on the same topic.
So... topic #1:
The Cold War was neither cold nor a war. Discuss.
Just kidding.
Ok, really here's the topic. Take your favorite book and cast it as a movie and say how you'd like to see it made - director, setting etc. And then why you chose them. If your book is already a movie, say how you would have done it differently.
Blog Tag Directions
Blog Tag Topic #1 Posts:
Invincible Summer
(to see the posts in a new window, right click on the links and choose that option)
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